At first I resisted the ads for HGH, steroids, anti-aging medicine and call girls. Now I embrace them. And so it was this morning when I caught a glimpse of an an ad for what I thought was the infamous “Whizzinator.” I remember how so many euro-pro’s wanted this device (along with the synthetic urine it dispense) because they thought they’d be able to fool the UCI testers. While I can attest to the fact that the synthetic urine works, I never got around to buying a strap-on flaccid, fake penis and trying to pass it off as my own tackle before peeing in a cup with a sweaty Turkish doctor trying to fondle my balls.
I never forgot about it, however (how could you?), so I clicked through the ad, and much to my chagrin, The Whizzinator is no longer dedicated to beating those pesky doping controls! Nope! Now it’s for satisfying your girl’s perverted need for a Golden Shower. Why you couldn’t just do that with your own flaccid penis and a liter of water with which you filled your own whizzinator by pouring it into your mouth (aka “drinking a lot of water”) is beyond me, unless you were worried that your urine contained metabolites of EPO, DHEA, Testosterone, CERA, DynEPO, etc. and that you beloved was actually one giant, writhing organic sample collection vial about to burst out the door and run for USADA just as soon as you finished peeing on her.
It might not be Dario Frigo’s Whizzinator, but the ads are a helluva lot better.
Ah yes – The Whizzinator – only in America. To quote from the new manufacturer: