Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France

[Ed.’s Note: I forgot to press “Publish Post” on this piece from The Onion in July. Sorry!]

“PARIS—A small but enthusiastic crowd of several dozen was on hand at the Tour de France’s finish line on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées Tuesday to applaud the efforts of the 28 cyclists who completed the grueling 20-stage, 2,208.3-mile race without the aid of performance-enhancing drugs.

Finland’s Piet Kvistik, a domestique with the Crédit Mondial team, was this year’s highest-finishing non-doping rider (142nd overall). Kvistik claimed the maillot propre, the blue jersey worn by the highest-placed “clean” rider, on the ninth stage of the race when the six riders who had previously worn it tested positive for EPO, elevated levels of testosterone, and blood-packing.

“This is a very, very proud day for me,” said the 115-pound Kvistik, who lost 45% of his body mass during the event, toppled from his saddle moments after finishing, and had to be administered oxygen, fed intravenously, and injected with adrenaline by attending medical personnel. “They say it is physically impossible to ride all of the Tour without drugs, but we prove them wrong this day.”

“What day is it, anyway?” asked Kvistik, his eyes rolling wildly in his head. “I can no longer tell…” Read more.

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